SURRENDER

Soooooo.....as i was sitting here this morning, thinking about the previous post God gave me something. I wrote about being an IMPATIENT person, not being able to wait. That is a very dangerous trait for me to have!.....I have never waited for God, I have never been willing to be tried in the fire. I have never wanted to just hold on especially when I can't see the end in sight! I would always pray, read my bible for a couple of days, then loose steam and take matters into my own hands! I have truly never waited for God to come through......that is just one of the reasons why I put myself in these situations. Thinking that this time I will get it done on my own. I, I, I, I, I, I,.........always I.....never anything else........I know that I cannot do ANYTHING without God, and yet I try and try and try and try, falling flat on my face EVERY TIME! If I could apply that type of stubbornness and and persistence to securing a future for me and my children, we would be rich by now........I am tired of repeating this process, tired of starting over.......but every time I have to I learn different lessons. Everything that I go through is for a reason, something bigger than myself, something that I need to share to help the next person who might be going through the same type of  mental issues that I am suffering with. I have built up so many walls I don't even know who the hell I am. Every time I seek Gods face he speaks.......but because its always a promise of something to come and not an IMMEDIATE fix I run scared and get frustrated! Anything worth having from God is going to take time to develop.......God doesn't bless MESS! AND I AM A MESS!.......If I don't finally learn what he is trying to teach me, I will continue to go through the same type of destructive situations. He will allow me to go around and around and around until I learn, because I cannot keep running from the calling on my life. I cannot keep dippin and slippin, I cannot keep doing things my own way knowing the outcome, I cannot keep up this unstable way of thinking, I cannot keep up this way of life............I don't want him to have to allow something CATASTROPHIC to get my attention! YOU HAVE IT GOD!! Please give the the PATIENCE I need to see this thing through to the end..........I am tired of taking advantage of His grace and mercy everyday, tired of taking advantage of his love and kindness.......it makes me feel ashamed and worthless........drinking took my mind off of it.........not being honest does terrible damage to the soul.......I am in need of MAJOR repair from the damage that I have done to MYSELF! Being treated a certain way that I don't like is not an excuse, my childhood is not an excuse, my relationship with my mother and father and siblings is not an excuse, my relationship with my ex is no excuse........I cannot keep giving the same excuse for my destructive behavior.......Using it as an excuse to do whatever I want to do in life.....thinking everyone around me needs to just deal with it because I do this and I do that!.......there is a really big chip on my shoulder for some odd reason........Not being able to be HONEST with anyone is dangerous, and I can't and won't have these types of conversations about my emotional and mental state with my children. It's inappropriate.......I have a women that I know would listen with the type of non judgmental, unconditional love that I need. I even hunted her down through people she knows on social media, I left a message with my phone number for her to call me. The response I received back was not what I expected. The women gave me HER number and told me she said for ME to call HER! I knew then, I can't get the help I need if I don't make the first step. That's how she will know that I am ready......that was the middle of July and I still haven't called her!! When am I going to allow myself to win...........I'm going to call her today, because I am TIRED TO DEATH of always losing!.....I pray these post reach who it needs to, If your reading this God loves you and so do I!
God Bless


This is the link to the Top Christian Womens Blog site, they have something for everyone, from the lost sinner, to the mature christian. Be Blessed! https://blog.feedspot.com/christian_women_blogs/

to be conintued.....