LAYING IT ALL OUT part 2

Sooooo........I have to continue from my previous blog. I am not an any way a self deprecating person, nor a self loathing type of person. I'm also not the type of person who brags about all the wrong crap that I have done, but in order for Gods message to reach whoever this needs to reach I have to be 100 % honest about EVERYTHING that I have done. Picking and choosing what to reveal and hiding all the rest is a form of deception and thus counter active to the type of person I need to be in God. Being a double minded person has destroyed me COMPLETELY! Not giving over to the will of God and doing what the hell I want to do has lead me down this path of uncertainty, my ego and pride has destroyed every relationship that I have ever had with people. I have taken my kids birthday or Christmas money to pay for gas or groceries because I spent my check on cocaine. I have stolen money from loved ones, credit cards, cash, checks, whenever I would find myself in a pinch, instead of trusting God to see me through my darkest moments! I am at a point right now in my life where I don't know what to do. God has blessed me with many talents that I do nothing with. All the wrong that was done on my behalf I have justified it so well in my head that I don't express any remorse for it. No matter what I think is going on or how me and my children are treated, VENGEANCE IS MINE SAID THE LORD!.......but I always find myself taking what I think is owed to me in an unhealthy way. Instead of giving it over to the Lord and reaping the benefits of being a humble servant, I take matter into my own hands. This way has only hurt me and MOST IMPORTANTLY  my children. How much more can I expect them to take. Since being evicted 2 weeks before Christmas 2017, we have moved 3 times! How resilient do I expect them to be if I keep repeating this same pattern over and over! They love me so much and I just keep letting them down continuously! I have tears running down my face and my heart aches! I am only moved to emotions when talking about my children. I love them more than my own life, yet my actions as far as the choices I have made contradicts that. Being stuck mentally is the worst place to be in. Stuck in my head, stuck in my finances, stuck emotionally.........I gave my life over to God June of 2017 after a drug and alcohol filled weekend in South Carolina with family. It was my rock bottom. I had never felt so light and happy every before in my life. It was like a weight that was lifted off of me.....I could have floated away. I loved reading my bible, I craved it! I left a really good job at the Ritz Carlton because I felt like that work schedule was conducive to the change I was making in my life, and it freed me up to be with my kids after school, their grades even went up and they were bringing home honor roll report cards! The damage I had done before that decision was already done. I hadn't been paying my rent because of my cocaine habit, even though it was only $265. I was given every opportunity to make it right......but couldn't humble myself enough to handle my business. Even though I had taken a vow with the Lord, I have NEVER FULLY SURRENDERED! That means I have never taken myself out of the situation and allowed God to fight my battles. I have this I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF type of attitude. As a person who has felt like they really never had anyone in their corner, who has just felt used and mistreated, I have NEVER really cast those burdens, those angry and hurt feelings, onto God at all. I have given him PLENTY of other things, but held on to that. I don't know why........but I know my Lord and savoir Jesus Christ will reveal all to me in his time. I just have to be patient! I am not good at waiting for ANYTHING!......but I know that is one of the many hard lessons I will learn on this journey...........so join me, because the testimony will be great and TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY! Until next time, God bless and I love you


This is the link to the Top Christian Womens Blog site, they have something for everyone, from the lost sinner, to the mature christian. Be Blessed! https://blog.feedspot.com/christian_women_blogs/

to be continued.......